Baril de Singes [Barrel of Monkeys]

  ***

  There was no sense of leisure on this trip south. I issued final instructions to Smudgely -- advising the steady adjutant to hold said fort in my absence -- and with Mrs. Potsdam's assistance, helped poor Conestoga into the front parlor so she might better recover from her cataclysmic encounter with Rico, Staple and one unnamed gorilla. Leaving the distraught spouse to fill the room with her wailing, Mia and I fetched my gear and bolted in the Duesenberg for Logan International Airport.

  "Let's talk perspective and strategy here," I said over the energetic pounding of the straight-eight cylinders sending us effortlessly along the interstate. "I have a piece of Bridgework's puzzle he's eager to trade for. Oz Moeziz will phone me to set up the swap. On their way east, Ethelene leaves the Bridgework party to travel on her own, reportedly in my direction. Meanwhile, three gorillas kidnap Stinky, believing he was me. They're off to parts unknown with no demands made. Finally, Sondheim insists on my presence in Tunis, believing it's better to follow Bridgework as he collects his flash drives instead of actually apprehending him when we know where he is!"

  "I understand not half of what you say, my Baron."

  "And I less than that."

  "You did not contact the FBI to assist with Mr. Kornblatt."

  "A conscious decision on my part, Mia. The Fed boys would become another weight to carry, another variable in the equation, another vegetable portion in a growing salad. We don't even know the stipulations for bringing Stinky back home." My suspicion was that Stinky's true identification would not be determined until he was brought before someone possessing a sliver of intelligence. I handed my cell to Mia. "Ring me Sondheim."

  "Your call went straight to voicemail," Mia said after several seconds passed.

  "Try it again." I made every effort to apply patience to the situation.

  "Same result, my Baron."

  "Mustn't interrupt the almighty consumption of Mandarin." An obstinate peevishness overcame me. "And again!"

  "It is the same option as before," Mia said, downcast as she lowered the phone from her ear.

  "It's a mark of insanity to anticipate a diverse result."

  "How's that, my Baron?"

  "Nothing," I snapped, "simply brooding over a musty old Einstein theory, is all."

  We motored along for miles in silence until, just south of Ashland, the mobile rang to life. "It states 'private caller', my Baron." Mia flipped the phone open, handing it to me.

  "It's about time!" Once past the obligatory code phrase, I intended to address Sondheim about his indifference and lack of concern for this operation. "The cherry blossoms in Washington are more plentiful than congressional aides!"

  "Who gives a flying fuck?"

  I was taken aback, suspecting the Mandarin obviously did not seat itself well within Sondheim's system. "I do, what with all the political gridlock these days! And I'm confirming my identity to you which, under the circumstances, should be a priority for the both of us. Truly!"

  "Agreed. Then with whom is it I'm speaking? Skeet Burnisher, Walter Raleigh or Baron von dek Horn?" The question was punctuated with a boisterous laugh.

  "Moeziz! You son of a bitch!" I cupped the phone and cast an apologetic eye at Mia. "I'm so sorry to use that phrase in front of you, Miss Kolpaux."

  "Baron, it seems our plan to collect you netted a different fish, a whale by the name of Kornblatt, actually. At first I was angered by our error, but the more I considered the value of our capture, the happier I became."

  "Where is Stinky?" I demanded. "You sent your agents in violation of our deal and nabbed an innocent man. You double crossed me, you ingrate!"

  "I'm in control here, Baron. And it was a triple cross, actually. We messed up the second step before deciding to proceed to the third. That aside, you know why I'm calling. Where is the CerebStix?"

  "I have a handle on your precious flash drive. More to the point, where is Stinky? And Angel? And you!"

  "Where I need to be. I ... you ... when ..."

  "Moeziz, you're breaking up on me. We're rapidly reaching the communication service dead spot just north of Meredith. Repeat, I say, repeat!"

  "Why you! I said ... then ... Angel and Kornblatt ... is ... CerebStix now!"

  "I can't hear you! Phone again! Call back, you idiot!" I slammed the cell shut directly on my exposed digit once more. "Damnable fool!"

  Erroneously and childishly, I subjected Mia to a bout of sulking during the balance of our trip to Logan, silently cursing modern technology while knowing I would not hear back from Moeziz. Wheeling the Duesy to a stop in front of the loathsome Slipstream Green logo, I set the parking break and scanned the ominous gray shadows cast by an evening rain shower.

  "Here we are again, Mia. Another farewell at the airport."

  "So we are. Safe travels, my Baron."

  "In case the opportunity doesn't present itself once more, I wish you and Smudgely all the best for future happiness." I exited the vehicle, collecting my valise and attaché while tugging my porkpie into position. "Take good care of the gentleman, right?"

  "I shall, my Baron." Her eyes adopted a sudden mist as a slight tremble entered her lips. "You will be home soon and we shall celebrate with a glass of wine, yes?"

  "That would certainly be a revel with a cause. Indeed."